I could feel my cheeks begin to flush. I was almost certain it was me. Oddly enough, I was a little embarrassed. It was a very basic math class - maybe the equivalent of my junior-year algebra class in high school - but I had to take it for my college undergrad requirements, and the only time slot I could take it happened to be a small evening class at the University of Montana College of Technology. I was embarrassed because the class wasn't hard to me, and I knew many of the students were struggling. My hopes of remaining anonymous were dashed when the professor openly congratulated me and handed me my test first. I felt the stares in the room, and my partner sitting next to me even threw her pen and rolled her eyes.
Seven years later, I sat on the floor of a close friend's house and cried my eyes out. While academics had always come fairly easily to me, managing schedules, juggling the responsibilities of being self-employed, keeping my house clean, playing with and teaching my children to become morally responsible, meal-planning, fitting in time for exercising, reading, having devotions, and reaching out to other people all had become incredibly overwhelming. I found myself compulsively checking my phone, afraid I was forgetting to reply to another email, or that I had missed an appointment. In the process, I was ignoring my children, my husband and my friends - something I never intended to do - but a natural consequence of my fear of pleasing everyone combined with my lack of organization.
If you've ever read any of my blogs, you may know that this has always been a struggle for me. It's not for lack of trying either - I have downloaded every app you can think of, tried multiple different calendars, reminders, alarms...and things just kept slipping through the cracks. I knew I had to make some changes, but I wasn't even sure where to start. It just seemed impossible to me - just like that college math class had been for a lot of the students.
As I cried to my girlfriend - an organized, task-machine of a type-A personality - I wondered why I couldn't just be more like her.
"Why didn't God make me the type of person that just gets stuff done?" I cried. "People like that just seem so much more successful at life!"
Instead of dealing with my weaknesses, I often simply laughed at my inability to efficiently run my household, and made the excuse that it just wasn't my personality to be incredibly organized. Have you seen these E-Cards?
Somewhere in my laughing at those, I realized that just keeping my kids alive was NOT enough. Settling for mediocrity isn't something I've EVER wanted to be said about me - not in my work, or my friendships, and especially not in my marriage or my family.
The First Step
In the middle of my tears to my girlfriend, I had to acknowledge that I was trying to do TOO MUCH. In my attempt to please everyone all the time, I had a tendency to say "yes" to everyone that needed anything. This wasn't a new concept to me, but an area that needed refreshing. I had to spend some time asking and then LISTENING to what God wanted me to be committed to, and what I needed to cut out - even if cutting out was hard. I'm sure you've heard this before, but maybe you are like me and need a neon sign hanging in front of your face at all times to remind you: You have to say no to good things to say yes to the best things. For me, the best things right now are being home and present with my family.
The Next Step
After getting a clear picture of what God was calling me to in my life for this season, I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to LEARN how to be more organized. No, it doesn't come easily to me. In fact, I spent a considerable amount of time researching different organizational systems, and realized that most organizational systems were designed by people who are naturally good at organizing. Combining some of these systems and figuring out what works for me - something simple, streamlined & not overwhelming - I was finally able to start making some progress.
It's very much a work in progress, too. I just forgot a very important appointment - YESTERDAY. And when I do that, I have to figure out why, and adjust what I am doing to help ensure it doesn't continue to happen!
More and More Little Steps
I am so excited that God has blessed us with a new house that is currently under contract, and I am excited to apply many of these new principles that I am learning as we move, budget for upcoming projects, and plan activities for my children this summer. I know it's a process, and I'm learning a little bit more every day. My goal is to blog about the process in hopes that it is helpful to some of you other moms that may be struggling with the same things.
Check out some of these resources I've found to be incredibly helpful:
I read this book in less than 2 days because I couldn't put it down!
Say Goodbye to Survival Mode - by www.moneysavingmom.com's Crystal Paine
For help with organizing your home so you can have more time with your family:
The House that Cleans Itself by Mindy Starns Clark
On living a life that is un-celebrated:
Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours - Alicia Britt Chole
Any resources that have helped YOU? I'd love to hear!
